I am surprised that I feel like blogging when things go wrong for me. I guess this is some sort of catharsis writing what I want and knowing one or two people still read this, so it doesn't really matter or have any consequence.
In the last month my relationship ended, my cat had a bladder infection and needed his deformed leg amputated, my mum shattered her arm requiring surgery which involved complications, my brother was made redundant, my grandpa fell and broke his back, my aunt has been confirmed for a major operation more serious than open heart surgery, my horse went lame again and put his back out, I lost a friendship, my mums horse is seriously ill and I now owe my parents over $5000.
I am not sad about my relationship ending. Its hard adjusting to life without the person I've been inseparable from for the last 3 years. At the end of the day, I did all I could to keep things good for both us of us and it simply didn't work. I thought maybe I wasn't in love with him anymore, although I realised just how much I still am when we split. It's still not enough for either of us and that's fine. If I'm completely honest and true to myself, I am not wishing that we get back together. At this point, I'm completely and utterly fine as long as we don't speak. When we speak I find myself on my hands and knees begging to work things out and when I walk away from it I wonder why the fuck I did that when its not what I want.
I was cleaning out my things today in preparation to move back to apartment when I found some letters from ex boyfriends. Re-reading them and realising the same problem existed with all previous relationships was a bit hard hitting. I guess I can't really put off confronting my past any longer. I'm 21 years old, I know what the problem is and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life letting it affect me. Mark my words, I will get sorted.
Buying Dell was the best decision I have ever made. He is pretty much the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, even when he is scratching his butt on the mango tree.
The money issue is overwhelming. Even if I spend my startup money repaying it, it will still take me over 3 years to repay it. I can't go overseas, I can't take holidays, I can't buy new things for a long, long time. It's only going to get worse, too.
