This is going to sound silly but..
Burney had to give me $50 because he lost a bet on how long it would take Zap to forfeit his plans on moving to Europe, he said he would forget, I said he wouldn’t. It’s a year later and in the final stages of the moving plans. Burney and H decide they are going to go with him but I can’t because I can’t take off the invisible shield that stops only me from leaving Paddington house. On the day they all went plane ticket shopping, they left me by myself because they’re my only friends and they wanted to get their tickets. When they left I sat in a dog house inside Paddington house awaiting their return, but they were taking too long. My teeth starting aching and then my top wisdom teeth started growing super super fast and jagged and impaled my jaw. I was trying to scream but my teeth had jammed my mouth shut. Jagged teeth were sticking through my jaw, kind of like a walrus and were super sharp. I tried dragging my teeth across my wrists trying to slit them, I was really lonely and hurt. I managed to cut them pretty bad but it was really messy. Burney, h and Zap arrived back home and i didn’t want them to see the cuts on my wrists or the teeth because it didn’t matter since they were leaving right away and I wouldn’t have to trouble them with my ‘issues’. All I had to do was pull it together for airport goodbye. I snapped off the sticky out teeth so they weren’t visible and nodded at them when they spoke to me with my hands behind my back and packed for the airport. They were standing by the door with their bags waving at me, since I couldn’t leave the house. Suddenly they all turned into cats as they turned and all 3 sprinted across the road just a truck came and they all got ran over. There was nothing I could do. I was alone, not able to make a sound, bleeding to death in an invisible cage. All I could do was watch them trying to get up but they couldn’t since they were squished right into the road and then they melted away.
Fucking, so stupid. I want to bash my head for coming up with shit like this. I can’t sleep, i don’t wonder why.”Shit is rough now days, I don’t know what I’m gonna do”.
I don’t want everything to be so temporary, what’s the point? Change hurts. I don’t like it. I don’t like having an expiry date, things are winding down. Things are always winding down, it will always end. Its not possible to live in every moment to comprehend what the fuck is going on. Contentment, unattainable. I can’t change, I won’t change. I’ll always be stuck here, on repeat. Accomplishing nothing and having nothing able to be accomplished. I’m living how I think I’m meant to. I need this house. I need this job. I need this life. I need to have something. I need things to stay the same, even if things aren’t OK at least they are same. Things are changing around me, and I’m standing still, watching it go by, believing that I can’t, I won’t. I am too needy. Way too needy. I wish I felt OK, or at least knew what exactly is messing with me. I have no idea whats going on. Ever. I’m going to be alone forever. I am trapped. Hurrr.
Blah. Vent. Vent. Vent.
I’ll feel better when I get some rest, whenever that may be. I got too tired/drunk and got sick last weekend. Took last week off from work. Should really buck the fuck up.
