If I could just get over occupying every second and losing it when I'm alone I would be much more successful.
Moved out, not with J which is probably for the best. Our ups and downs would have been difficult to deal with living together. I am pretty much sober of the chemical kind at least. I figure that weed isn't a hard drug so it doesn't count, and my drinking admittedly is a lot worse now. As far as the valley goes... I have the fear.
I guess the whole thing with T* could have gone better. While he isn't my boss anymore, he is hardly in my life at all. I guess that's how he is though, he has trouble keeping friends I have trouble always being the one to make the effort. Occasionally he will let me know he is thinking about me, but it still hurts to feel like your letting go of what has been one of the greatest influences to your life. I guess he never knew how much he affected me, and that's probably for the best as well. At least I can take out of it that we had some awesome times together, and while I know we won't keep in touch when he moves away I am really happy to have at least known him.
I hope to one day have that affect on someone.
I had planned to make JR and R dinner last night, because it would have been the nice thing to do and R didn't have any money. C wanted to come around and have a session with his horribly strong weed and the night pretty well turned out ridiculous. To start with and I went to the shopping centre on the way home from work in his car which, is everything I am against, its the gayest thing ever. He has some ford sedan, I don't know or care what it is, with a turbo in it and subs and GAYNESS. It makes that woop woop wooop noise when he changes gear. He was trying to 'drift' I believe. Man, then he put on that Akon song, I want to fuck you.
I considered kicking my own arse just for being in the car with him.
So everyone is sitting around smoking this weed, this weed from out of space that ended me last Friday. I tried something called a 'snow cone' which is Ecstasy sprinkled throughout a cone, then I started cooking dinner. I was really sceptical about operating the 'electric wok', it took at least half an hour just to get it out of the box. JR came in to help me, but wasn't much help and just stood around me saying 'holy crap, i hate feeling like this, dammit. I have stuff to do.".
So everyone is just standing around me in a semi circle watching it cook. It was weird. Everyone was trying to get out of cutting the onion, so JR had to do it. He was so stoned trying to cut it, he was holding it maybe 10cm from his face, I guess trying to concentrate on what he was doing, with just tears streaming down his face.
R had these 2 guys over, who I took an instant dislike to. I really, really didn't like them. I had never met them, and they had never been over before. I was in the kitchen and one of them, was on the phone or something just standing in our living room watching me and JR for ages as he was on this phone call. It was weird. The food was nearly ready, and everyone was kind of hovering around in the kitchen. I didn't know the two random boys were coming over and there wasn't enough food and I couldn't have afforded to have given them any anyway. It was so awkward, they wanted some so bad.
C was a mess. A MESS. He was trying to convince me that the two guys I didn't like were cops. Then I convinced him that I could read his thoughts, but then R and JR thought that I could read their thoughts as well, so they were all afraid of me. It kind of backfired I guess so I went to bed.
