I don't know if yesterday could have gone any worse.
I met R for lunch, he was an hour late. He was staggering and off his face. Earlier on in the day over a cigarette with a friend of mine, I asked for advice on how to address the issue. She said, don't baby him, tell it like it is. It was probably bad advice for what could possibly be the least diplomatic girl in the world.
As soon as R got there, I went on a big tirade about how he was a fucking wanker and asking him if he knew how pathetic he was.
-This was the not the best course of action.
We went to walk to the mall to get lunch, and he pretty much collapsed on the way. I had to buy us lunch, which I couldn't afford.
Trying to tell someone that you are concerned about their drug use, apparently couldn't sound any more hypocritical coming from me. He basically said he knows what he's doing and he doesn't care, and in no way was he going to take any advice from me. He tried to tell me that this isn't because of me, but it is. Its a combination of that and having to go back to uni to do a course he is only doing to make his parents happy. I really made things at least 10x worse. I said something about it being unfair of him to kind of rub it in mine and JR's face what he was doing, and then he said something about it being 'his' house. I chose to ignore it.
I am such an idiot. He even said, this was the least tactful thing you could have done.
I asked him how he felt about us, and tears seemed to well up. I pretty much left in a huff.
Then I started worrying about if he was going to get home OK. I sent him like 5 messages apologising. I said that I was sorry, and that I realise now that was not a very good way to go about it. He said he loved me in the "your a wonderful person way" I said I loved him full stop. He asked if we could do something together that night, I said I couldn't because T* was coming over. I started getting really sick, like I always do because I'm bad at life.
It was a really really bad night for plans for T* to come over. I decided not to cancel, despite what I was sacrificing and ignoring how bad things were and the fact that it would only makes things worse with R because I really wanted to see him.
I got home, R and I had another argument. He said he had talked to JR about it, and he was fine with it so long as we were really serious about being together. Once again, I had to tell him. I am simply not capable of being a relationship, and we live together, it couldn't get any more serious then that. I can't cope.
Another fight.
Its 7:45, T* said he would be there at 6. R and I go to the shops so I can spend money I can't afford on wine for T*.
Get home and receive a message from T* saying:
"Please hear the sincerity in the message, something has come up and I cant make it tonight. I don't want to talk about it. Please believe me that i was really looking forward to seeing you, can I take you out to dinner on Friday to make up for it"
I started crying, pretty well hysterically. Partly because for once, I actually thought T* was going to make an effort, partly because of R and partly because I spent my food/rent money for next week on these jerks.
I went for a walk in an attempt to compose myself. I can't remember what happened. R found me, and apologised for everything.
Everything was kind of OK for a little while, until I replied to T*'s message "I hope your OK. I'm pretty disappointed. I cant do Friday. I hope to see you before you leave you mean a lot to me. I hope things get better for you."
and he didn't write back
so I sent another, because I'm just that pathetic.
"maybe you can ring me sometime when you can actually make it."
and he didn't write back
so I called him this morning,
and he didn't answer.
epic fail.
R started drinking the wine I got for T*. Went back on everything we had talked about being a drunk jerk. Pretty much threw his apology back in my face.
I went to my room.
and didn't come out.
