JR and I stood in the kitchen last night questioning R's expected positive outcome of drinking 20 pills worth of filtered liquid codeine. It fell on death ears, ever since the households disagreement on our 'situation' he has pretty well spiralled into a pit of drunkenness and a lack of personal hygiene, so something else to alter his mood and to ultimately distract him from his appearance was on his agenda. I wonder if he really is down about me or if he is just using the whole thing as an emotional vehicle to act like that, its not his fault, I know he can't help it. It just doesn't help my own thoughts when I spend most of the day at work wondering if he was actually breathing when I left the house that morning.
He passed out fairly early after flailing around and curling up in odd places proclaiming how great he felt. JR and I talked about some pretty heavy issues in his absence while smoking an abundance of cigarettes. I guess we were getting to know one another, surprisingly I really opened up to him, as he did to me. It was awkward because we were talking about the different things each of us did in relationships, neither of us mentioned anything about me and R. It was like a big white elephant in the room.
Not many people know this about me partly because I have told very few people and partly because I only admitted to it nearly 4 years after it happened, but.. I didn't.. lose my virginity in a very nice way. I think the thing that happened to me, in conjunction with other things has probably resulted with how I am in relationships and a big chunk of anxiety problems and paranoia.
Basically to not get into the details but to join the dots, it involved a guy 6 years my senior, a knife, shrubbery in my parents front yard and threats if I ever told anyone he would kill my horse. I've never admitted his real name, to anyone actually. It's something I probably won't be able to do for a long time yet.
I had considered this person my friend before this happened, I was alone with him because he promised me he would walk me home so I was 'safe'.
That's where my anxiety is. I don't feel safe, anywhere, I always feel alone. In my dreams I have flashbacks that I can't escape from and probably never will. It's always going to be in my mind. Ever since then I've always chosen the most abusive people to make relationships with. Jim being the runner up to Brad whose a prime example. I'm doing this to myself.
I'm started to realise that the certain cobwebs in my head really need to be addressed so I can get on with my life and stop dwelling on everything that always seems to come crashing down around me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning.
If its meant to be with R, its meant to be. At least I know its not his intentions to hurt me.
