Last night R and I had a talk..
We were lying in bed cuddling each other, and he mentioned he had asked B out for the next night.
It really hurts me.
I pulled it together and said I was glad for him. He started getting really huffy and said he was feeling really guilty, that he shouldnt be holding me because it was unfair on B. I said I didnt think so because we had always acted like this and B and him hooked up with her knowing how sensitive the situtation was, I said he should stop if he thinks he is doing something he should later apologise for. I said I didn't know why he was feeling so guilty all we were doing was lying next to each other. He said its not that.
He told me he doesnt really feel anything for B, he liked her but he is hung up on something else and he felt really torn. I just fronted with him and asked him he liked me and he said yes.
We both put it all out on the table. I told him I felt the exact same way he did but that we just couldnt be together.
- I simply am not capable of being in a relationship with someone, my head will not allow it. No matter how much I like anyone I just can't do it after the whole torturing soul fiasco that was Brad. I told him I loved him as a person and it would ruin everything if we got together.
- We would have to scrap the living arrangement plans
- He would have to find somewhere to live by himself ASAP or go back to Toowoomba
He said he knew all this, and he knew it was a dead end, and he knew it was a dead end with B as well.
I feel so fucking shit about that. To be fair I told them both I was pretty uncomfortable with it to begin with. I knew something like this would happen. WHY!!! why does the boy I like that I plan to move in with on a just friends basis who also likes me, is liked by my best friend whom he is going for because he can. OH my god. I cant not look at him the way I do, I cant not act around him the way I do but I cant because my fucking best friend like him and were going to move in together;oewrjbgjoerwnjer;jker;jbkerh;jkbjhbrwBAGGGGGGGGGGGGAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GAHH!H!HUIQGB
We've decided to try and spend less time together, not sleep in the same bed, not kiss, not touch get the fuck over it and move the fucking fuck on.
Jesus I hate myself so fucking much.
MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!Im kind of a mess. I didnt sleep much last night, I got to work this morning realised I had put my stockings on back to front, and I have to wear two pairs of underwear, one as a regular pair and one on the outside of the stockings to keep them up because they dont make stockings long enough for me, both pairs are inside out. I just realised when I went to switch my stockings around.
some information you REALLY needed to know. This post wont stay up for long.
